23112009

if i were asked to write about myself on a piece of paper,
and to include everything that i like and dislike,
it wont be a book.
it'll just be an empty piece of paper.

i wonder whether if it's a norm
to feel that empty for that long.

for years i've been searching for the purpose of life
it doesn't seem fruitful.

with all the complications around me
through observations and experimentation,
it's safe to say that the world outside is dangerous
it's a fact where it'll never change no matter when.



i wanted to shine
but i'd rather be just average.

08112009

decided to reopen my blog.
though nothing much was posted here,
hope it will be something in the future.

these are parts of memories that i wish it could fade away

1.
the thoughts of finding a partner came back.
i can lie to myself saying that being single is much more better
but the feeling wont go away.
it's very hard to see others getting into relationships
while you stayed single for such a long time.

i dont understand why i still could not get over the fear of giving trust
or why i could not open up myself to others.
i've been limiting myself since a long time ago,
and punishing myself for no particular reasons.

my requirements are getting higher and higher
but my condition is deteriorating
i asked too much from others without looking back at myself.
that is why i could not find and will not find one that i will "love"

2.
another thing i've been avoiding
something much more deeper then affection.

the good thing about my course is
we can do introspection.

i can see the interest slipping through my fingers
as time pass by.

it's as if life is slipping away from my body
leaving it empty and hollow.
i've been avoiding too much
to the extend that, i blocked out everything.

the emptiness to me, is quite scary.
since i could not unclog the clog,
it stays.

3.
there's a set of my own principle i lived with.
it's a set of rules that i made up in my mind
and i tried my best to go with it.

i believed in justice, fair and equality.
i believed in karma.
i try not to judge, not to discriminate, not to stereotype others.
i try not to take sides
and be neutral.

but it doesnt take long for me to realize
that life is not as naive as it is.
as one grows you'll notice that the hardest thing to do
is to stay on neutral grounds.
you tend to take sides, judge, discriminate, gossip about things.

so here comes the dilemma.
to give in and go against my will,
or to stand firm on my own grounds?

easier said than done, if you knew what im going through.