Difference in Definition.

Ok.

Lets get straight to the point.

I understand everyone has their own needs and desire

I meant towards their other halves.

But what I don't get is,

Why make thing so difficult?

I'm through with the overall thinking,

I'm aiming straight at ONE specific person.

Fine. Define the word "protect".

"to defend from trouble, harm, attack, etc."

That is what i got from the dictionary.

Supposed this is what you want me to do,

then fine.

but how am i suppose to defend if there wasn't any trouble, harm, attack, etc?

(yeah if i could do that, who needs superman)

Maybe things wasn't that clear.

I am not your body guard.

and i'm very sure you are capable of protecting yourself.

"forget it"

that's what you said.

I wasn't sure what that meant though

it could mean I don't want to argue anymore,

or it could mean we're finished.

call me a quitter but I sure as well hope it's the latter.

A relationship is like talking.

Wouldn't be fun if just one side speaks and the other doesn't.

Call me selfish but who's going to protect me from getting hurt?

I'm not used to your way of love,

so I'll just call this Difference in Definition.

I'm here, I see, but I'm lost.

the long awaited drought i've been sitting in might end.

as rays of hope starting to shine into my life

the path upon enlightened.

I see a way through, where it leads i might not know.

now with everything set and the problem seemed solved,

i felt more lost then ever.

it felt as if a part of me is slowly dying away as i start to embrace the new possible outcome.

perhaps this is not what i want?

but what is?

all this while i've been wanting these to happen

and yet when it arrives, i'm afraid to accept.

sigh. the uneasiness in my stomach.

Scribbles

tonight i felt restless.

it's as if i couldn't sit still,

or whether it's because i've sat too long.

it felt as if i've been fighting a certain crusade

for what cause i've not sure of

perhaps it's just chasing shadow in the dark.

i've thought of running

spending my last chance on an escape

running to somewhere comfortable,

solitude, relaxing, safe.

temporary gratification.

i've thought of fighting

spending all my energy on defending

rejecting all unwanted changes life brought upon me

for my better cause.

tiring.

i've thought of giving up

going against all that i've stood up for

giving in, accepting and welcoming

whatever that comes to me.

simple regression.

I'm tired.

Tired of the fear i've been fearing

Tired of the wars i've been fighting

Tired of the dreams i've been dreaming

Tired of the runs i've been running

Tired of the searches i've been searching

Tired of the self i'm being.

What is it to be loved in me?

Who is it that would see?

If you could just see what I see

If you could just feel what I feel

If you could just love the way I love,

I would give you everything.

Waiting

to be honest,
I've been looking at my phone quite often these few days.
Constantly running up and down the house just to check whether I have any missed calls or messages.

It would be a normal thing for others
but I find it quite unusual for me.

I've been isolating myself for quite some time now.
I try my best not to be involved in any deep relationships with anyone
not even friendships.
It had been a very bad habit that I should get rid of.

I've been expecting a call from someone
patiently waiting by the phone,
and constantly checking back whenever I left it too long.

At first I thought I was just guilty for missing a couple of calls from that person,
but later I realized every message i receive that was not from that person,
I felt a slight disappointment deep inside.
After all I've been through, the last thing I want is to fall for that person.
With the distance and complications between us, it would be near impossible.

After long anticipation, the call i long waited for finally arrived.
the first few second was a relieve, followed by a spike of sudden happiness.
in the following seconds there was warmth and joy
I smiled.
Then there was this urge to tell how much I missed that person,
so I did.
after that it all went calm.
Calm like the surface of a pool of still water.
Dead calm.

It doesn't take long for me to realize that we were never meant to be.
I could still enjoy the love and care of that person,
but not with an identity we both aren't comfortable with.
Neither of us wanted to be involved in a relationship,
especially not with our situation.

Then I asked myself, who was I kidding?
what's the point of getting disappointed when it couldn't be at the first place?

and so I backed off.

It's quite a pity because that's the closest I could get to feeling something.

Walking down an empty street.

Transition.
Before moving on to the other phase,
there's always a twilight zone, a limbo,
or just a simple gap between the switch.
It could be filled with many many stuffs, by which I couldn't think of any,
since mine's a total empty vacuumed void.

the bad side of having that much time is
the feeling of adrift, the feeling of lost and disorientation.
the doubt of whether a choice made could bring regret,
or whether hasting a decision will bring any future disaster.
it's like standing at a split in a road,
not just 2 splits, but millions of them.

the fact that now I could be anything I want,
I could literally DO anything I want really bugs me.
I could have a million combination of possible things that I could do
and I have plenty of things that I would like to try.
the only thing I should be worried about is the consequences.

easy talk.

and on top of all of that, there's boredom.

apart from all of the internal conflicts and dramas I had
there's a brighter side of all these.
while I may not know what or where I might end up to be,
all these thoughts slowly made me realize what I do not want.

having time alone sets the dust of chaos that blurred my vision.
Being able to understand myself more,
I know what I do not want
or maybe accepting the inevitable, and finding alternatives to stay happy.

I may not get what I want
but I'm still getting something
so why not enjoy what I had
or use it to do some good?
( I was talking about vocational choices, but that could be anything, for future note. LOL)

Now it seems that reality is catching up
and dreams are slowly giving up.
I dreaded the day where I could perform a task excellently,
yet when asked about my dreams
I stood like a piece of wood
realizing what I've lost throughout the years.

However, I was given a very active imagination
and a very lazy personality,
so hopefully something deep inside could remind me about dreams.

and if it all fails, there's still this stupid blog.

Crossing over

in life there are phases.
it's something everyone has to go through.
surviving these phases shouldn't be hard,
the tough part will be switching between phases.

So, now this phase of my so called "terrible" studying life had ended,
the tough part will be growing up into reality.
Whether i want it or not, it's there.

I've tried running, not a very wise choice.
Running as in avoiding the fact that I'm now all on my own.
Placing all the grand and reasonable excuses
such as "I'm so tired I need a break" and "I want to go travel a bit" or "yeah, I'm planning."
and of course, travel does help a bit.

but inevitably, all these running must come to an end.
now I'll have to make a choice.

When I said travel helps, I literally meant traveling helps in my decision making.
I went to Singapore, partially alone, and met up a few friends there.
The whole city was opening it's arm to me
as if it is screaming for my presence.
well, i might exaggerate a little, but I felt very comfortable there.
And my friends were promoting the country as if they were trying to sell something.
I was convinced, because big city, hustling commutes and bright lights always amazes me.
And with the diverse population plus the development,
I literally fell in love with that place.
" and so i told myself, this is where I want to be for the next 10 years" XD

that's just the start.
Fun's over.

after I came back from the trip,
I found out that Daddy's plan of inserting me into that company is actually a real deal.
He had already made contact with his friends and indirectly mapped my future.
That means IF i succeed (which i most likely wont because I'm working hard not to)
I'll be tied up and stuck until I could afford a house or some other escape route.
I wouldn't want that to happen.

thus starts the race of landing a job in that country
and procrastinate as much as I could here.

Everyone is trying to fulfill a certain dream.
They doesn't move doesn't mean they're not working towards it.
Intervention could wait and serve as Plan B.
I was kinda disappointed when I heard that what I wanted to do is bullcrap to others.
I am not a conventional person where I want to settle down and get tied down.
I wanted to go places, see people and walk the path my way.
I know perhaps my way is not a very good way,
but please let me try it out.
That is what learning from experience meant.

I'm not going to comment on anything, and I'm certainly not complaining.
I understand the motives and I knew the risks.
For once I just want to have something done, in my own way.

A for Apologize

Blogging has been an on and off thing for me.
Since I'm not having a good memory,
things do come and go quite fast through my mind.
It's a nuisance jotting down things that often makes you sad
it's much more like having to revise the sad life over and over again.
that's why i stopped.

Here, I owe someone an apology.

Dear C,

I knew i wasn't being the best partner,
I knew it hurts a lot.
I am very sorry for what I did.

Mere words couldn't express the guilt i felt deep inside.
Though I would've been laughing and having fun,
I made quite some effort trying to conceal how i truly felt inside.

I've made a promise to you
and I broke it.
Not only i breached the trust you had for me,
I broke your heart.

Confessions could be made,
but it would not liberate me from my sins.

I did not expect forgiveness from you,
although I wished dearly that we could be friends again.
It is my rightful consequence to bare the guilt and suffer as long as I could remember.
Perhaps the only way for me to feel better,
is to torture myself by owing you a late apology forever.

I wished after everything settles,
one day we could meet up,
and you could slap me on the face,
for being such a jerk.

I truly hope we could talk once more,
Regards,

Chris T.