Waiting

to be honest,
I've been looking at my phone quite often these few days.
Constantly running up and down the house just to check whether I have any missed calls or messages.

It would be a normal thing for others
but I find it quite unusual for me.

I've been isolating myself for quite some time now.
I try my best not to be involved in any deep relationships with anyone
not even friendships.
It had been a very bad habit that I should get rid of.

I've been expecting a call from someone
patiently waiting by the phone,
and constantly checking back whenever I left it too long.

At first I thought I was just guilty for missing a couple of calls from that person,
but later I realized every message i receive that was not from that person,
I felt a slight disappointment deep inside.
After all I've been through, the last thing I want is to fall for that person.
With the distance and complications between us, it would be near impossible.

After long anticipation, the call i long waited for finally arrived.
the first few second was a relieve, followed by a spike of sudden happiness.
in the following seconds there was warmth and joy
I smiled.
Then there was this urge to tell how much I missed that person,
so I did.
after that it all went calm.
Calm like the surface of a pool of still water.
Dead calm.

It doesn't take long for me to realize that we were never meant to be.
I could still enjoy the love and care of that person,
but not with an identity we both aren't comfortable with.
Neither of us wanted to be involved in a relationship,
especially not with our situation.

Then I asked myself, who was I kidding?
what's the point of getting disappointed when it couldn't be at the first place?

and so I backed off.

It's quite a pity because that's the closest I could get to feeling something.