Scribbles

tonight i felt restless.

it's as if i couldn't sit still,

or whether it's because i've sat too long.

it felt as if i've been fighting a certain crusade

for what cause i've not sure of

perhaps it's just chasing shadow in the dark.

i've thought of running

spending my last chance on an escape

running to somewhere comfortable,

solitude, relaxing, safe.

temporary gratification.

i've thought of fighting

spending all my energy on defending

rejecting all unwanted changes life brought upon me

for my better cause.

tiring.

i've thought of giving up

going against all that i've stood up for

giving in, accepting and welcoming

whatever that comes to me.

simple regression.

I'm tired.

Tired of the fear i've been fearing

Tired of the wars i've been fighting

Tired of the dreams i've been dreaming

Tired of the runs i've been running

Tired of the searches i've been searching

Tired of the self i'm being.

What is it to be loved in me?

Who is it that would see?

If you could just see what I see

If you could just feel what I feel

If you could just love the way I love,

I would give you everything.

Waiting

to be honest,
I've been looking at my phone quite often these few days.
Constantly running up and down the house just to check whether I have any missed calls or messages.

It would be a normal thing for others
but I find it quite unusual for me.

I've been isolating myself for quite some time now.
I try my best not to be involved in any deep relationships with anyone
not even friendships.
It had been a very bad habit that I should get rid of.

I've been expecting a call from someone
patiently waiting by the phone,
and constantly checking back whenever I left it too long.

At first I thought I was just guilty for missing a couple of calls from that person,
but later I realized every message i receive that was not from that person,
I felt a slight disappointment deep inside.
After all I've been through, the last thing I want is to fall for that person.
With the distance and complications between us, it would be near impossible.

After long anticipation, the call i long waited for finally arrived.
the first few second was a relieve, followed by a spike of sudden happiness.
in the following seconds there was warmth and joy
I smiled.
Then there was this urge to tell how much I missed that person,
so I did.
after that it all went calm.
Calm like the surface of a pool of still water.
Dead calm.

It doesn't take long for me to realize that we were never meant to be.
I could still enjoy the love and care of that person,
but not with an identity we both aren't comfortable with.
Neither of us wanted to be involved in a relationship,
especially not with our situation.

Then I asked myself, who was I kidding?
what's the point of getting disappointed when it couldn't be at the first place?

and so I backed off.

It's quite a pity because that's the closest I could get to feeling something.

Walking down an empty street.

Transition.
Before moving on to the other phase,
there's always a twilight zone, a limbo,
or just a simple gap between the switch.
It could be filled with many many stuffs, by which I couldn't think of any,
since mine's a total empty vacuumed void.

the bad side of having that much time is
the feeling of adrift, the feeling of lost and disorientation.
the doubt of whether a choice made could bring regret,
or whether hasting a decision will bring any future disaster.
it's like standing at a split in a road,
not just 2 splits, but millions of them.

the fact that now I could be anything I want,
I could literally DO anything I want really bugs me.
I could have a million combination of possible things that I could do
and I have plenty of things that I would like to try.
the only thing I should be worried about is the consequences.

easy talk.

and on top of all of that, there's boredom.

apart from all of the internal conflicts and dramas I had
there's a brighter side of all these.
while I may not know what or where I might end up to be,
all these thoughts slowly made me realize what I do not want.

having time alone sets the dust of chaos that blurred my vision.
Being able to understand myself more,
I know what I do not want
or maybe accepting the inevitable, and finding alternatives to stay happy.

I may not get what I want
but I'm still getting something
so why not enjoy what I had
or use it to do some good?
( I was talking about vocational choices, but that could be anything, for future note. LOL)

Now it seems that reality is catching up
and dreams are slowly giving up.
I dreaded the day where I could perform a task excellently,
yet when asked about my dreams
I stood like a piece of wood
realizing what I've lost throughout the years.

However, I was given a very active imagination
and a very lazy personality,
so hopefully something deep inside could remind me about dreams.

and if it all fails, there's still this stupid blog.

Crossing over

in life there are phases.
it's something everyone has to go through.
surviving these phases shouldn't be hard,
the tough part will be switching between phases.

So, now this phase of my so called "terrible" studying life had ended,
the tough part will be growing up into reality.
Whether i want it or not, it's there.

I've tried running, not a very wise choice.
Running as in avoiding the fact that I'm now all on my own.
Placing all the grand and reasonable excuses
such as "I'm so tired I need a break" and "I want to go travel a bit" or "yeah, I'm planning."
and of course, travel does help a bit.

but inevitably, all these running must come to an end.
now I'll have to make a choice.

When I said travel helps, I literally meant traveling helps in my decision making.
I went to Singapore, partially alone, and met up a few friends there.
The whole city was opening it's arm to me
as if it is screaming for my presence.
well, i might exaggerate a little, but I felt very comfortable there.
And my friends were promoting the country as if they were trying to sell something.
I was convinced, because big city, hustling commutes and bright lights always amazes me.
And with the diverse population plus the development,
I literally fell in love with that place.
" and so i told myself, this is where I want to be for the next 10 years" XD

that's just the start.
Fun's over.

after I came back from the trip,
I found out that Daddy's plan of inserting me into that company is actually a real deal.
He had already made contact with his friends and indirectly mapped my future.
That means IF i succeed (which i most likely wont because I'm working hard not to)
I'll be tied up and stuck until I could afford a house or some other escape route.
I wouldn't want that to happen.

thus starts the race of landing a job in that country
and procrastinate as much as I could here.

Everyone is trying to fulfill a certain dream.
They doesn't move doesn't mean they're not working towards it.
Intervention could wait and serve as Plan B.
I was kinda disappointed when I heard that what I wanted to do is bullcrap to others.
I am not a conventional person where I want to settle down and get tied down.
I wanted to go places, see people and walk the path my way.
I know perhaps my way is not a very good way,
but please let me try it out.
That is what learning from experience meant.

I'm not going to comment on anything, and I'm certainly not complaining.
I understand the motives and I knew the risks.
For once I just want to have something done, in my own way.

A for Apologize

Blogging has been an on and off thing for me.
Since I'm not having a good memory,
things do come and go quite fast through my mind.
It's a nuisance jotting down things that often makes you sad
it's much more like having to revise the sad life over and over again.
that's why i stopped.

Here, I owe someone an apology.

Dear C,

I knew i wasn't being the best partner,
I knew it hurts a lot.
I am very sorry for what I did.

Mere words couldn't express the guilt i felt deep inside.
Though I would've been laughing and having fun,
I made quite some effort trying to conceal how i truly felt inside.

I've made a promise to you
and I broke it.
Not only i breached the trust you had for me,
I broke your heart.

Confessions could be made,
but it would not liberate me from my sins.

I did not expect forgiveness from you,
although I wished dearly that we could be friends again.
It is my rightful consequence to bare the guilt and suffer as long as I could remember.
Perhaps the only way for me to feel better,
is to torture myself by owing you a late apology forever.

I wished after everything settles,
one day we could meet up,
and you could slap me on the face,
for being such a jerk.

I truly hope we could talk once more,
Regards,

Chris T.

Dream

梦想
最长的寿命就是在合起眼睛和睁开眼睛的那瞬间。
之后的一切，就是现实。
一个人要睁开眼睛，
也许要用上好多年，
也许等到他真正愿意认真地看，
才会发现这个世界并不是挂在墙上那幅画那么美丽。

有梦对一些人来说是幸福
虽然没有多少人能够完全实现它们
可是至少能够活在自己幻想的虚拟世界里
找到人生要走的方向
发现其中的快乐。。。

可悲的是一觉睡到天亮的人。
世界就像停止了一般
一眨眼就发现原本能够用来定义快乐的时间
这样就消失了。
有人说这才好，不会有发噩梦的可能，
因为他们不需要知道什么是好梦。

有一个问题其实我自己想了好久，
其实我想要发的梦到底会是怎样的？
回头看一下
在别人眼中，我不会是最乖的小孩，但是也坏不了哪儿去。
就是一直被人牵着鼻子走，一直在后面被人推着走。
他们说这才是真正需要走的方向。
曾经一度尝试过要挣扎
但是后来觉得一切都很徒劳，累了。
发现挣扎的意义也不存在，现在也还是被推着走。

大人的世界就是这样的现实。
也许他们很早已经过了发梦的时期
所以灌输下来的
对我来说都是很恐怖的现实。
在我的眼里，永远会有一个我不想到达的阶段，
仿佛自己一步一步的走向悬崖。

其实也想过要为自己搭桥，
可是都塌了。
被人拆掉的吧？也许因为方法不对了。
也想过其实很不甘心的啊，
毕竟花了好久的时间构思的想法，
就被几句话击垮。
可是不对就是不对啊。。。能怎么办了。

其实我很了解我自己
经不起太大的压力，也很多怨言。
好多时候我能够选择的解决方法就是逃避。
就是懦弱。
思前想后太多了，所以才不肯去接受。
从小到大，我逼不得已接受的事情就只有一样，也只是一次。
那次以后，就没有下次了。

我能够看见的世界
前方就是我能够预测到那么的灰暗。

没有梦想的人可悲吗？
那期待发梦却一觉到天明的人呢？

When the angel smiles upon us

during classes,
you could see them running around
making very adorable noise to amuse you
jumping around and smiling away happily
sometimes they are annoying
but in the end, they are the ones that gives back the laughter.

they are as normal as any other kids are.
over-pampered by their parents
and as naive as any pure-hearted children will be.

they never see themselves as special.
labels are given by "normal" people
to the less fortunate. to them.
they never knew.
they never understood.

and what we "normal" people would love to give is
sympathy, without truly understanding the meaning of helping.

personally, when i first lay my eyes on these little souls
i have no idea of how their future will be.
from what i could see is they have all the love they could get
from everyone around
but what if they were left alone?
they couldn't survive.

i was talking to my supervisor during lunch
was also wondering how will these souls grow up to be
and i was told roughly on how will their lives could be.

Dreams are a luxury for them
as they have no power to achieve dreams like we do.
Luck is the most important asset to these people.
if lucky, you could make it smoothly through some stages in life
but when the luck wears off, its up to them to walk through.

To most of us
life is full of hardship.
hurdles to overcome, problems to solve.
complain complain complain.
nothing is enough so we ask for more
and of course, " I am the centre of the universe."

but did we ever wondered
what could it be if we were in their shoes?

Be grateful people.