Difference in Definition.

Ok.

Lets get straight to the point.

I understand everyone has their own needs and desire

I meant towards their other halves.

But what I don't get is,

Why make thing so difficult?

I'm through with the overall thinking,

I'm aiming straight at ONE specific person.

Fine. Define the word "protect".

"to defend from trouble, harm, attack, etc."

That is what i got from the dictionary.

Supposed this is what you want me to do,

then fine.

but how am i suppose to defend if there wasn't any trouble, harm, attack, etc?

(yeah if i could do that, who needs superman)

Maybe things wasn't that clear.

I am not your body guard.

and i'm very sure you are capable of protecting yourself.

"forget it"

that's what you said.

I wasn't sure what that meant though

it could mean I don't want to argue anymore,

or it could mean we're finished.

call me a quitter but I sure as well hope it's the latter.

A relationship is like talking.

Wouldn't be fun if just one side speaks and the other doesn't.

Call me selfish but who's going to protect me from getting hurt?

I'm not used to your way of love,

so I'll just call this Difference in Definition.

I'm here, I see, but I'm lost.

the long awaited drought i've been sitting in might end.

as rays of hope starting to shine into my life

the path upon enlightened.

I see a way through, where it leads i might not know.

now with everything set and the problem seemed solved,

i felt more lost then ever.

it felt as if a part of me is slowly dying away as i start to embrace the new possible outcome.

perhaps this is not what i want?

but what is?

all this while i've been wanting these to happen

and yet when it arrives, i'm afraid to accept.

sigh. the uneasiness in my stomach.

Scribbles

tonight i felt restless.

it's as if i couldn't sit still,

or whether it's because i've sat too long.

it felt as if i've been fighting a certain crusade

for what cause i've not sure of

perhaps it's just chasing shadow in the dark.

i've thought of running

spending my last chance on an escape

running to somewhere comfortable,

solitude, relaxing, safe.

temporary gratification.

i've thought of fighting

spending all my energy on defending

rejecting all unwanted changes life brought upon me

for my better cause.

tiring.

i've thought of giving up

going against all that i've stood up for

giving in, accepting and welcoming

whatever that comes to me.

simple regression.

I'm tired.

Tired of the fear i've been fearing

Tired of the wars i've been fighting

Tired of the dreams i've been dreaming

Tired of the runs i've been running

Tired of the searches i've been searching

Tired of the self i'm being.

What is it to be loved in me?

Who is it that would see?

If you could just see what I see

If you could just feel what I feel

If you could just love the way I love,

I would give you everything.

Waiting

to be honest,
I've been looking at my phone quite often these few days.
Constantly running up and down the house just to check whether I have any missed calls or messages.

It would be a normal thing for others
but I find it quite unusual for me.

I've been isolating myself for quite some time now.
I try my best not to be involved in any deep relationships with anyone
not even friendships.
It had been a very bad habit that I should get rid of.

I've been expecting a call from someone
patiently waiting by the phone,
and constantly checking back whenever I left it too long.

At first I thought I was just guilty for missing a couple of calls from that person,
but later I realized every message i receive that was not from that person,
I felt a slight disappointment deep inside.
After all I've been through, the last thing I want is to fall for that person.
With the distance and complications between us, it would be near impossible.

After long anticipation, the call i long waited for finally arrived.
the first few second was a relieve, followed by a spike of sudden happiness.
in the following seconds there was warmth and joy
I smiled.
Then there was this urge to tell how much I missed that person,
so I did.
after that it all went calm.
Calm like the surface of a pool of still water.
Dead calm.

It doesn't take long for me to realize that we were never meant to be.
I could still enjoy the love and care of that person,
but not with an identity we both aren't comfortable with.
Neither of us wanted to be involved in a relationship,
especially not with our situation.

Then I asked myself, who was I kidding?
what's the point of getting disappointed when it couldn't be at the first place?

and so I backed off.

It's quite a pity because that's the closest I could get to feeling something.

Walking down an empty street.

Transition.
Before moving on to the other phase,
there's always a twilight zone, a limbo,
or just a simple gap between the switch.
It could be filled with many many stuffs, by which I couldn't think of any,
since mine's a total empty vacuumed void.

the bad side of having that much time is
the feeling of adrift, the feeling of lost and disorientation.
the doubt of whether a choice made could bring regret,
or whether hasting a decision will bring any future disaster.
it's like standing at a split in a road,
not just 2 splits, but millions of them.

the fact that now I could be anything I want,
I could literally DO anything I want really bugs me.
I could have a million combination of possible things that I could do
and I have plenty of things that I would like to try.
the only thing I should be worried about is the consequences.

easy talk.

and on top of all of that, there's boredom.

apart from all of the internal conflicts and dramas I had
there's a brighter side of all these.
while I may not know what or where I might end up to be,
all these thoughts slowly made me realize what I do not want.

having time alone sets the dust of chaos that blurred my vision.
Being able to understand myself more,
I know what I do not want
or maybe accepting the inevitable, and finding alternatives to stay happy.

I may not get what I want
but I'm still getting something
so why not enjoy what I had
or use it to do some good?
( I was talking about vocational choices, but that could be anything, for future note. LOL)

Now it seems that reality is catching up
and dreams are slowly giving up.
I dreaded the day where I could perform a task excellently,
yet when asked about my dreams
I stood like a piece of wood
realizing what I've lost throughout the years.

However, I was given a very active imagination
and a very lazy personality,
so hopefully something deep inside could remind me about dreams.

and if it all fails, there's still this stupid blog.

Crossing over

in life there are phases.
it's something everyone has to go through.
surviving these phases shouldn't be hard,
the tough part will be switching between phases.

So, now this phase of my so called "terrible" studying life had ended,
the tough part will be growing up into reality.
Whether i want it or not, it's there.

I've tried running, not a very wise choice.
Running as in avoiding the fact that I'm now all on my own.
Placing all the grand and reasonable excuses
such as "I'm so tired I need a break" and "I want to go travel a bit" or "yeah, I'm planning."
and of course, travel does help a bit.

but inevitably, all these running must come to an end.
now I'll have to make a choice.

When I said travel helps, I literally meant traveling helps in my decision making.
I went to Singapore, partially alone, and met up a few friends there.
The whole city was opening it's arm to me
as if it is screaming for my presence.
well, i might exaggerate a little, but I felt very comfortable there.
And my friends were promoting the country as if they were trying to sell something.
I was convinced, because big city, hustling commutes and bright lights always amazes me.
And with the diverse population plus the development,
I literally fell in love with that place.
" and so i told myself, this is where I want to be for the next 10 years" XD

that's just the start.
Fun's over.

after I came back from the trip,
I found out that Daddy's plan of inserting me into that company is actually a real deal.
He had already made contact with his friends and indirectly mapped my future.
That means IF i succeed (which i most likely wont because I'm working hard not to)
I'll be tied up and stuck until I could afford a house or some other escape route.
I wouldn't want that to happen.

thus starts the race of landing a job in that country
and procrastinate as much as I could here.

Everyone is trying to fulfill a certain dream.
They doesn't move doesn't mean they're not working towards it.
Intervention could wait and serve as Plan B.
I was kinda disappointed when I heard that what I wanted to do is bullcrap to others.
I am not a conventional person where I want to settle down and get tied down.
I wanted to go places, see people and walk the path my way.
I know perhaps my way is not a very good way,
but please let me try it out.
That is what learning from experience meant.

I'm not going to comment on anything, and I'm certainly not complaining.
I understand the motives and I knew the risks.
For once I just want to have something done, in my own way.

A for Apologize

Blogging has been an on and off thing for me.
Since I'm not having a good memory,
things do come and go quite fast through my mind.
It's a nuisance jotting down things that often makes you sad
it's much more like having to revise the sad life over and over again.
that's why i stopped.

Here, I owe someone an apology.

Dear C,

I knew i wasn't being the best partner,
I knew it hurts a lot.
I am very sorry for what I did.

Mere words couldn't express the guilt i felt deep inside.
Though I would've been laughing and having fun,
I made quite some effort trying to conceal how i truly felt inside.

I've made a promise to you
and I broke it.
Not only i breached the trust you had for me,
I broke your heart.

Confessions could be made,
but it would not liberate me from my sins.

I did not expect forgiveness from you,
although I wished dearly that we could be friends again.
It is my rightful consequence to bare the guilt and suffer as long as I could remember.
Perhaps the only way for me to feel better,
is to torture myself by owing you a late apology forever.

I wished after everything settles,
one day we could meet up,
and you could slap me on the face,
for being such a jerk.

I truly hope we could talk once more,
Regards,

Chris T.

Dream

梦想
最长的寿命就是在合起眼睛和睁开眼睛的那瞬间。
之后的一切，就是现实。
一个人要睁开眼睛，
也许要用上好多年，
也许等到他真正愿意认真地看，
才会发现这个世界并不是挂在墙上那幅画那么美丽。

有梦对一些人来说是幸福
虽然没有多少人能够完全实现它们
可是至少能够活在自己幻想的虚拟世界里
找到人生要走的方向
发现其中的快乐。。。

可悲的是一觉睡到天亮的人。
世界就像停止了一般
一眨眼就发现原本能够用来定义快乐的时间
这样就消失了。
有人说这才好，不会有发噩梦的可能，
因为他们不需要知道什么是好梦。

有一个问题其实我自己想了好久，
其实我想要发的梦到底会是怎样的？
回头看一下
在别人眼中，我不会是最乖的小孩，但是也坏不了哪儿去。
就是一直被人牵着鼻子走，一直在后面被人推着走。
他们说这才是真正需要走的方向。
曾经一度尝试过要挣扎
但是后来觉得一切都很徒劳，累了。
发现挣扎的意义也不存在，现在也还是被推着走。

大人的世界就是这样的现实。
也许他们很早已经过了发梦的时期
所以灌输下来的
对我来说都是很恐怖的现实。
在我的眼里，永远会有一个我不想到达的阶段，
仿佛自己一步一步的走向悬崖。

其实也想过要为自己搭桥，
可是都塌了。
被人拆掉的吧？也许因为方法不对了。
也想过其实很不甘心的啊，
毕竟花了好久的时间构思的想法，
就被几句话击垮。
可是不对就是不对啊。。。能怎么办了。

其实我很了解我自己
经不起太大的压力，也很多怨言。
好多时候我能够选择的解决方法就是逃避。
就是懦弱。
思前想后太多了，所以才不肯去接受。
从小到大，我逼不得已接受的事情就只有一样，也只是一次。
那次以后，就没有下次了。

我能够看见的世界
前方就是我能够预测到那么的灰暗。

没有梦想的人可悲吗？
那期待发梦却一觉到天明的人呢？

When the angel smiles upon us

during classes,
you could see them running around
making very adorable noise to amuse you
jumping around and smiling away happily
sometimes they are annoying
but in the end, they are the ones that gives back the laughter.

they are as normal as any other kids are.
over-pampered by their parents
and as naive as any pure-hearted children will be.

they never see themselves as special.
labels are given by "normal" people
to the less fortunate. to them.
they never knew.
they never understood.

and what we "normal" people would love to give is
sympathy, without truly understanding the meaning of helping.

personally, when i first lay my eyes on these little souls
i have no idea of how their future will be.
from what i could see is they have all the love they could get
from everyone around
but what if they were left alone?
they couldn't survive.

i was talking to my supervisor during lunch
was also wondering how will these souls grow up to be
and i was told roughly on how will their lives could be.

Dreams are a luxury for them
as they have no power to achieve dreams like we do.
Luck is the most important asset to these people.
if lucky, you could make it smoothly through some stages in life
but when the luck wears off, its up to them to walk through.

To most of us
life is full of hardship.
hurdles to overcome, problems to solve.
complain complain complain.
nothing is enough so we ask for more
and of course, " I am the centre of the universe."

but did we ever wondered
what could it be if we were in their shoes?

Be grateful people.

What if?

What if one day you found out the path you walk
just doesn't end up where you expected to lead?

what if one day you knew you had the power
to do better but you didn't do so?

what if one day you found out that you could achieve better if you just insist on small things?

what if one day you start to weep over the unfulfilled choices that you could simply just do better?

what if you had the power to change today in the past and failed to do so?

what if you knew one day you would cry for you misfortune and regret?

I'd say,
give myself a tap on the shoulder
and turn around looking at tomorrow,
don't look back 'cause what's done is done.

I still could mold tomorrow into what i want.

13012010- Industrial Training

放假。
其实训练也没怎样吧？
比我预想的，轻松。
可是才两天，也不能肯定的。

Day 1.
原本8.30开始上班
我5点起身，6.30出门，7.30到达，就等。
一点也不觉得紧张。
如果在一个普通的地方上班，那时的心情也太轻松了。XD

其实我工作也没什么
这两天就是跟小朋友们一起学习
照顾和帮助他们
可是短短两天就让我的人生慢慢开始改观了。

MeiMei是个高高大大的女孩
她很听话，就老师们叫她做什么都做哦
比较害羞，看到我还是陌生人就会羞涩的望开
偶尔比较懒惰，因为我发现他搬椅子的时候坐下了。。。^^
她本质很聪明哦，都不用我帮忙的~哈哈
作业都自己做，也很独立~^^
James的脾气有点暴躁
可是都蛮喜欢我的，他也很听话
虽然到后面开始耍脾气 ==
下午时分的小朋友我忘了他叫什么名字。。。 T^T
可是就一直跑来跑去，我也一直追来追去。。。
他很聪明，知道我没运动。。。XD
我也一直抱着他，他就像猫一样跟我撒娇。。。XD

导师说今天的小朋友比较难搞
可是我觉得乱开心的
虽然很累，可是看见他们很活泼的样子
我就觉得就算多累也要坚持到放学。
以前也不明白为什么他们会说这句话
可是今天就明白了。^^

可是还是在妈妈的公司睡到跟什么一样。XD

Day 2.
也跟第一天差不多吧。
没什么差。
还是要照顾小朋友。。。

可是今天的小朋友也太可爱了。
都是四眼的可爱小帅哥！ XD
Choy Yen 是个很有礼貌的小弟弟
一直叫我gorgor的。。。哈哈
很听话很乖的， gorgor叫他做什么都做
可能因为妈妈在旁边吧
会说thank you 和 excuse me
他还告诉我他的不懂谁要去日本，送他去airport。。。
下课还懂得把香蕉送给朋友
(可是最后自己吃，深度怀疑是妈妈叫他这样做的) XD
Darren 是个很有个性的小朋友
也是我看过说NO说到最有个性的一个人。。。XD
他很铁齿，也很心软
而且他很不喜欢人家知道他的小秘密。。。XD
可是到最后，还是被我感动了
很粘我~XD

Yes! 成功！

导师问我，其实看到小朋友们会不会吓倒
我心里面想还真的没有~
而且我没把他们看成什么特殊的人来看待
我把他们看成我弟弟那样疼~哈哈~
其实他们跟我们一样的啦！
而且比我们还要聪明！
hmm~ 也很可爱啦
可惜别人就是不愿意去看。可惜。

08012010

Note to myself.

Those who judge people by appearance ( me included ) are disgusting.
The society itself is disgusting.
Ugly people are mutes.
Poor people are handicapped.
People with lesser abilities are considered trash.
The society works by discarding useless things.
Life is everything but fair.

Life Sucks. ^^ FACE IT.

08012010

0300 in the morning.
another sleepness night.

it was days i kept myself at home
doing nothing but gazing on the computer screen,
occasionally going to the toilet, eating and sleeping.
the holidays is really taking away my life.

was on the phone for 2 hours.
wasnt sure what we were talking about.
but it sure wasn't anything you can expect from daily conversations.

i was in a bad mood,
and i didn't expect anyone to understand me
since life had been so lonely all these years.
it was quite normal when others misunderstand me or dont at all.
but i'm glad i got some out of my system today.

all these time i was hoping that someone could understand me for what i am.
to see behind surface
and to achieve deeper communications with me.
in short, though i was constantly in shallow conversations,
i hate them.

i wanted something that wasnt that on-the-surface.
i am sure i could take on topics that are deeper
but the fact is,
they wouldn't understand.

i often felt like an alien to people
and i coordinate my steps with them.
but am i moving too fast?
or am i acting in some ways that our society could not accept?

everyone has their own set of personalities.
as time goes by,
bits and pieces are corroded away in conformation to social norms.
i fought my way to preserve it
altering it to keep it's originality.

however, my situation confines me into a tight space
partially me to be blamed.
there is an ongoing flow of potential inside
but there's no where and no idea how to vent it.

well, as the old saying says,
I think too much.

04012010

the last week of holidays
will start internship next week

went out with old classmates again
went back to the places we used to hang out
memories flashed back

it was quite happy
nothing much to think about

we've grown up
changed.
its kinda nice to see what time has done to us
looking back on what we used to be
and realize
no matter how much we worked hard to go back
time kept pushing us forward.

01012010

First day of the brand new year,
spent 12 hours with some old friends
from sunway to sunway cheras to connought,
it's probably the best new year eve i had this year. =.=

there are still times for me to stop and think through today.
i was looking at a couple and a girl waiting for her boyfriend to return,
listening to a mother that held a good caring heart for her daughter's friend
and me.

Couple was fine.
kinda envy them, cause their love lasted so long,
which i would never imagine will in anyway happen on me.
they had their sweet times, happy times right in front of me
yet i rarely see them quarrel.

and there is this girl
Her boy went to UK and study
for another 5 or 6 years
yet she's waiting for him to return
for now.

and the mom.
wow, she's quite something.
from the way she converse you can see
it's not the knowledge that makes a person successful,
but the way one looks at life.

then me.
kept asking myself today and many days before,
is there any chance i could end up like one of them in the distant future?
perhaps maybe to be at least a little bit like them...

what i got is NO.
could not see the future of me being either of them
cause there haven't been any target(S) ... XD
plus, these are not priorities.

lol

the trip today was quite random
went to some best places in town
spent some money and had great fun.

there's this restaurant i've been wanting to go for quite some time
and i went today, and as usual took SO many photos with them.
the place is called FullHouse.
the environment is great and the food is tasty
it's definitely unforgettable.

then at night we went to another cafe
i didnt knew it existed
but it's quite some place.
it's call Fun Ok cafe,
themed and fabulous service
count down with a firework view from the windows
and i won a bear from the games... lol

thats for the countdown.


love it.

23112009

if i were asked to write about myself on a piece of paper,
and to include everything that i like and dislike,
it wont be a book.
it'll just be an empty piece of paper.

i wonder whether if it's a norm
to feel that empty for that long.

for years i've been searching for the purpose of life
it doesn't seem fruitful.

with all the complications around me
through observations and experimentation,
it's safe to say that the world outside is dangerous
it's a fact where it'll never change no matter when.



i wanted to shine
but i'd rather be just average.

08112009

decided to reopen my blog.
though nothing much was posted here,
hope it will be something in the future.

these are parts of memories that i wish it could fade away

1.
the thoughts of finding a partner came back.
i can lie to myself saying that being single is much more better
but the feeling wont go away.
it's very hard to see others getting into relationships
while you stayed single for such a long time.

i dont understand why i still could not get over the fear of giving trust
or why i could not open up myself to others.
i've been limiting myself since a long time ago,
and punishing myself for no particular reasons.

my requirements are getting higher and higher
but my condition is deteriorating
i asked too much from others without looking back at myself.
that is why i could not find and will not find one that i will "love"

2.
another thing i've been avoiding
something much more deeper then affection.

the good thing about my course is
we can do introspection.

i can see the interest slipping through my fingers
as time pass by.

it's as if life is slipping away from my body
leaving it empty and hollow.
i've been avoiding too much
to the extend that, i blocked out everything.

the emptiness to me, is quite scary.
since i could not unclog the clog,
it stays.

3.
there's a set of my own principle i lived with.
it's a set of rules that i made up in my mind
and i tried my best to go with it.

i believed in justice, fair and equality.
i believed in karma.
i try not to judge, not to discriminate, not to stereotype others.
i try not to take sides
and be neutral.

but it doesnt take long for me to realize
that life is not as naive as it is.
as one grows you'll notice that the hardest thing to do
is to stay on neutral grounds.
you tend to take sides, judge, discriminate, gossip about things.

so here comes the dilemma.
to give in and go against my will,
or to stand firm on my own grounds?

easier said than done, if you knew what im going through.

25052009

分手了。
5月18号。

时间也过了很久，
电脑坏得及时。

隐约记得那天的晚上
我哭了。
打破了半年来对自己的承诺，
第一次留下泪水。

这段感情我也没付出很多
这是我知道的
我也觉得很对不起。
给不了一个当男朋友应该有的职责
也不能在你需要我的时候在你身边

我知道你累了，
厌倦了。

那一晚喝醉了才有勇气关心你。
我才发现一直以来我不是坚强
而是一直逃避。
我真的很害怕看见自己的泪水
因为不想记起那个不堪的回忆

其实要怎么说。。。
我还是很关心你的
我不干奢求有下一个机会
也知道可能性是零

我不知道了。

很累。


很累。

13052009

考试考完了
也应该是轻松的时候吧。

其实心里没什么打算的
听他们说要去这里去那里的
我只想乖乖呆在家里

最近不懂怎么了
好像做什么都提不起劲
什么心情都没有了

其实我还真得很想休息
电脑坏了那么多天
我就压抑了多久
真地少了那个东西太久，
整个人都变了
才发现原来我的私隐那么的重要

感觉没有那么强烈了
我不懂为什么
最近都是淡淡地过
也许你忙了吧
没有时间理会我的存在了
越来越觉得这个情景不妥了

我其实还蛮辛苦的
说不出那里不舒服
可是心里就是那个难受
好像没有什么人会明白
也没有人会了解

哎，算了

静静在房间哭吧。


我不喜欢在CC打部落。

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06052009

这些没有电脑的日子还蛮辛苦的
一直都在家里呆
考试应该当了一科拉
现在其实准备着下一科
时间剩下1小时15分
好像都读不进去了。

最近才发觉
自己蛮缺钱用的。
零用剩下300多
要到月尾。
钱用在哪里也不清楚
只知道电话费占了150。
天啊。

下学期他们都不在了
基本上剩下我一个人在这里。
也想不到能做什么了
时间表也没有定
其实很想打工的
赚些外快至于消磨时间一下。

下个学期也应该蛮坎坷的
都怪我读书不好
真得很怕当掉
而且最近都一直生病的
下个学期应该会拿多一科，好像7科了。
哎。

刚刚在家里发现了一些事情
东西放在那边
好奇心一定会去看看的嘛
还真地给我看到一些东西。XD
我的坏心眼，现在在心里爽歪歪了。
哈哈
这些感情的东西，还真不能长久。。。^^

当然，我不希望我的会这样。

呵呵

其实真地发现你很可爱的
我很少听见别人会为了今天赚18块而开心
也明白的啦
你也蛮辛苦的。
才放学就要去做工了
听说还要在那边冲凉。。。=.=
每天都累累，觉得你好辛苦哦。

还有几天我们就1个月咯！
^^
还真的很喜欢很喜欢听到你的笑声
还有看见你的笑容

么么~


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